Open Books

Each of us belongs to larger groups or systems that have some investment in our staying exactly the same as we are now. If we begin to change our old patterns of silence or vagueness or ineffective fighting and blaming, we will inevitably meet with a strong resistance or countermove. This “Change back!” reaction will come both from inside our own selves and from significant others around us. We will see how it is those closest to us who often have the greatest investment in our staying the same, despite whatever criticisms and complaints they may openly voice. We also resist the very changes that we seek. This resistance to change, like the will to change, is a natural and universal aspect of all human systems.

(From Harriet Lerner’s The Dance of Anger pgs. 14-15)

“Singing Love Songs to Them”

I’m particularly interested in the ways to hear/see this presentation from a pastoral-theological point of view. Not being a medical person, I’m drawing on my basic bottom beliefs about human personhood and community and health.

I think Johann is on to something wonderful. Again, not being as conversant with the particular cognitive psychological elements or neuroscience underneath this talk, I’m vulnerable to that gap. But I think of readings by James Ashbrook and Gerald May and of my professor in seminary, David Hogue.

I’d love to know what you think.

30 Questions for (Engaged) Couples, pt 2

My spiritual mother has a pretty expansive questionnaire which she created when she led a Chicago church.  My questions aren’t as good, but they reflect some of the common questions I bring up with couples in our church.  I need to keep a running list since I don’t keep notes on such meetings.

Some of these feel immediately appropriate for personal reflection; all of them assume that a couple will discuss them at some point.  Of course, the inability to talk through questions like these are always clinically interesting to me.  With some revision, all of these questions can be asked at different points in the future of a marriage.

This is the second part of the list.  I’ll frame these as if I’m not in the room with the pair.  What would you add?  Here goes:

1. When we’re at our best together, what are we doing, what aren’t we doing?
2. How would I capture my spouse-to-be in a word, phrase, paragraph, and page?
3. How much time we spend talking in a week?
4. When I close my eyes, what’s the future I imagine with you?
5. How will we spend our time together?
6. What does an expanded family look like for us?
7. What are the changes, transitions, and decisions in front of us for the rest of our lives?
8. What will I shine at in this relationship, and what will I inevitably fail at?
9. What will my spouse-to-be shine at in this relationship, and what will s/he inevitably fail at?
10. How has my loved one shown me grace in the past?
11. What is the significance of the party (i.e., wedding) we’re planning?
12. Who are some of my dead relatives I wish my loved one could have met?
13. What do I mean by the vows I’ll take?
14. Where can we put our joint energies and our best collected efforts as a couple?
15. How will this marriage make me, change me, challenge me, and better me?

30 Questions For (Engaged) Couples, pt 1

My spiritual mother has a pretty expansive questionnaire which she created when she led a Chicago church.  My questions aren’t as good, but they reflect some of the common questions I bring up with couples in our church.  I need to keep a running list since I don’t keep notes on such meetings.

Some of these feel immediately appropriate for personal reflection; all of them assume that a couple will discuss them at some point.  Of course, the inability to talk through questions like these are always clinically interesting to me.  With some revision, all of these questions can be asked at different points in the future of a marriage.

This is part one of my list.  I’ll frame these as if I’m not in the room with the pair.  Here goes:

1. Who are the characters included in our story?
2. How did God bring us here, to this point?
3. Where have we celebrated so far, and where have we struggled?
4. Why do we want to get married?
5. What do my friends say about my intended?
6. How will my family interact with this person over the next forty years?
7. Can we talk about our credit reports?
8. What do I simply adore about this relationship?
9. When I’m stressed, how does it impact my partner?
10. How would I like my partner to describe me to someone else?
11. What about my background haven’t I shared with you yet?
12. Can you tell me what’s bothering you in ways that I can understand?
13. How can I best explain my sexual history and how I’ve been created, shaped, formed, and active sexually?
14. What don’t you want me to know about you when it comes to sexual intimacy?
15. How do I think a pastor or a counselor can enrich our relationship?

Treasured Check Ins

Your faces–your eyes and smiles and histories with me brought forward–were another invitation.

Even though we were missing two from our circle, your place settings stayed wrapped, our reunion hinted at all those previous encounters where some wonder was being made before our eyes, unseen by our eyes.

Catching up, being present, keeping company over those delightful tacos at La Cuchara helped me do an easy thing: remember.  And you all helped me see, just as you have before.  What a treasure.

I look forward to the next time, when we get to celebrate the next update, when we get to hear each other and keep this going.