Reblogged from Betsy Lerner:

Got another query letter from prison today. It comes stamped on the back with a notice about what to do if you are receiving unwanted correspondence from an inmate. This particular prisoner quoted some of the best bits in The Forest For The Trees to impress upon me why I might like his work. Many writers have done this, but when it comes from the incarcerated it is unbelievably touching and a little scary. The letter was also hand written in the neatest imaginable block letters. Maybe I’ve seen Dead Man …

A writing prompt from a seasoned and always humorous agent about a query she received.

I am being driven forward

Into an unknown land.

The pass grows steeper,

The air colder and sharper.

A wind from my unknown goal

Stirs the strings

Of expectation.

Still the question:

Shall I ever get there?

There where life resounds,

A clear pure note

In the silence.

If you wish to avoid conflicts in your life, you should stay single, or find a very submissive partner. To deal with disagreements in a constructive way, you need to establish rules for fair fighting. Any rules you decide on should be tailored to your unique relationship. Someone who can’t tolerate a voice raised in anger (many people) is going need a rule that both partners use a normal tone of voice when fighting. Once you’ve agreed upon your rules, it’s a good idea to write them down.  Then both sign and date this document as you would any binding agreement.

However, before you begin to review these rules, there’s one principle you should understand and think about how it applies to you and your marriage. That is, the difference between emotions and reason in marital disagreements. In most human beings, emotions affect decision-makingmore than logic does. When a woman says “You don’t love me anymore,” she is offering an extreme emotional reaction, also called a “You message,” when someone attempts to put total responsibility for a problem on her partner. Most likely, the woman’s response is provoked by something to which she incorrectly attaches an extreme reaction. For example, she may be bitterly disappointed on February 14th when her husband fails to come home with a Valentine gift. What else might she say that would be more appropriate to the situation? How about, “I’m hurt that you didn’t acknowledge Valentine’s Day by giving me a token of your love.” This “I message” would be both reasonable and appropriate. Especially if, by expressing this feeling, it opens up the subject of gift giving for this couple to discuss, including what holidays they jointly choose to celebrate, and what compromises they settle on if they don’t see eye to eye. Finding harmony within a relationship requires that each partner deal first with his emotions and then for both to explore reasonable accommodations or compromises in the marriage – without making either right or wrong, or making the relationship subject to the emotional swings of either partner.

The following ten rules for fair fighting are designed to help you create the boundaries needed to help you make room for openly acknowledging important emotions that may be lurking behind your behaviors (sometimes feelings you are unconscious of), but then invite in reason and compromise. Boundaries – another word for ground rules – are a safety net. If you cannot provide this safety net on your own, you will need an outside mediator to facilitate those disagreements that tend to generate deep emotional responses and destabilize your marriage.

Rule 1: Keep it private

Fighting by a married couple in front of other people is embarrassing to those around you and undermines your relationship. A sharp criticism or negative outburst made in front of other people is often a power play by the more verbally skilled spouse, or whichever one does not mind theembarrassment. By fighting in front of in-laws or friends, you risk giving them the impression that your relationship is in perpetual strife. This can then become a self-fulfilling prophecy. You also may get uninvited opinions on the issue under discussion. This will only roil the situation and make agreement more difficult. Resist the impulse to ask others’ opinions on your marital disagreements; certainly never call for a vote from whoever happens to be nearby. It may sound silly, but this is unfortunately not unusual in a dysfunctional relationship.

If a fight erupts in front of other adults and especially children make an immediate agreement to handle it privately at another time.

To finish reading click here.  I wonder if you’d add anything.

I had an awesome opportunity last week to speak with best selling author and international speaker, Gary Thomas. Mr. Thomas is the author of at least thirteen books, a couple of which rank on my all-time favorites list. To this point, his most successful book has been the best seller, Sacred Marriage: What If God Designed Marriage To Make Us Holy Instead Of Happy?

Here are a few excerpts from my conversation with Mr. Thomas:

Sacred Marriage asks a powerful question about the real purpose of marriage. It really is a revolutionary and freeing perspective. Where did the concept for this book come from?

Gary Thomas: From experience. When I got married I was challenged in my marriage in ways I was not challenged in my single life. When I was in college if I did not like my roommate, I just had to hang on for a few months and it would be over. In other words I could just run from the situation. But in marriage that is not an option. At a point I realized that no one had breathed a word of anything regarding the spiritual challenges of marriage.

We had heard about conflict issues, financial issues, in-law issues, sexual issues, but nobody talked about the spiritual challenges in marriage. Beyond just learning to deal with someone else, I saw a different side of myself, in marriage. Typically, I am a laid back guy, but coming into marriage I saw myself irritated more.

So to me it was just spiritually forming to look at marriage in this way, and I had not heard anybody else address it at that time, and that is what gave birth to the concept.

The subtitle: What if God designed marriage to make us holy instead of happy? Give us a snapshot of what that means, to those that have not been introduced to the book yet.

Gary Thomas: Most people today think that their greatest need is to be loved; that is why they get married. They want to find someone that will love them, they want to be noticed, they feel lonely, they want to be appreciated. The biblical view is that God has met that need. He proved His love for us through Christ, He will love us, He will accept us. So your greatest need has already been met. The greatest need now then is to learn how to love.

I look at marriage as a teacher of how to love. If you are married to a person with a temper, how do you learn to love a person with a temper? If you are married to a person who is overly sensitive or selfish, how do you learn to love a sensitive or selfish person?

Well, it is really through humility, realizing that I am, not like Christ. We often compare ourselves to people we deem to not be good examples of how to be in marriage like a Charlie Sheen and say, “Well I am not Charlie Sheen but I am not Jesus either.” So even though a person might be more spiritual than their spouse they still realize the need to grow in how they love their spouse. So then the things I used to resent about my marriage – now I see it as a purpose of my marriage, as I now see that God designed it to pinch my feet, to show me that I am selfish and that I don’t know how to love, to show me that I am not like Christ so I can become better at how I love.

To read the rest of Edward’s conversation with Gary Thomas, click here.

The scariest moment is always just before you start.

Margarita Tartakovsky wrote a piece summing up one of my favorite Gottman books, The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work.  I imagine there is much that you’ll agree with in Gottman, even if you aren’t married.  If you’re interested in seeing Margarita’s article, click here.  From her summary:

1. “Enhance your love maps.” Love is in the details.

2. “Nurture your fondness and admiration.” Happy couples respect each other and have a general positive view of each other.

3. “Turn toward each other instead of away.” According to Gottman, “[Real-life romance] is kept alive each time you let your spouse know he or she is valued during the grind of everyday life.”

4. “Let your partner influence you.” Happy couples are a team that considers each other’s perspective and feelings.

5. “Solve your solvable problems.” Gottman says that there are two types of marital problems: conflicts that can be resolved and perpetual problems that can’t. It’s important for couples to determine which ones are which.

6. “Overcome gridlock.” Gottman says that the goal with perpetual problems is for couples to “move from gridlock to dialogue.” What usually underlies gridlock is unfulfilled dreams.

7. “Create shared meaning.” “Marriage isn’t just about raising kids, splitting chores, and making love. It can also have a spiritual dimension that has to do with creating an inner life together…

After those months of consistent writing, I took a break for one month.  I got tired.  I had the holidays to deal with.  I had to finish a semester at GETS, gathering grades and having final meetings.  We had planning and things at the church.  So it was a good time overall to pause.

My head was still working, but my fingers hadn’t been.  I did some relevant-to-my-work-in-progress reading.  I asked some questions to a few friends, questions which are behind some of my characters’ behaviors.  I told folks that I was giving my unconscious a break, and it was actually the most misleading statement I could say about my writing process.  In fact, my unconscious has still been working.  It’s been grateful for the respite in key-punching if only because it wanted to flash images across my eyes, pull me into one or two critical scenes and not let me out easily.

The work has been different for the last month.  I’ve been anxious.  I’ve questioned how much pausing and thinking and reflecting and researching and interviewing were, indeed, a part of my writing process and whether it actually counted as writing.  It has counted.  At least so far as I can tell as I look forward.  Every writer writes like this, including words and impressions and sights in, behind, and underneath the actual words in the story.

I’m restarting that part of writing which is really writing today.  You may hear me reading my written words aloud.  You may see me muttering over words when my laptop isn’t around.  I might swipe your spiral bound journal and borrow a blank page.  Don’t assume I’ve lost my bearings.  I may be remembering something, on my way to a pen and a moleskin, alarmed that my memory may relax for an hour.

Starting today I’ll give myself a word count, though the count will be less than the 1,000 words per day I had done for the last round.  I’ll work to meet it daily, breaking once per week and trying not to give myself any more off days until something like a first draft presents.

If you pray, pray for me that I’ll write well, that I’ll tell my story with integrity and depth and humor and all those other important parts.  If you don’t pray, hope for me.  That would be extremely generous.